In search of Healing

Believe it or not, I have feelings too. I have feelings. I know I hurt a tremendous amount of feelings so I guess this is Karma paying my ass back. I know how I've made others feel.

I've been in my feelings ever since my teenage years. It's like no matter how hard I try to do right & be right I always fuck up. I always end up hurting someone. Someone always ends up hurting me.

Contrary to belief, I know how to love. I love too damned much, too damned hard. I've been in love with the same woman for sixteen years now. Been loving her & waiting for her to choose me. Been dying to make her my wife. Been dying to create a child with her. Been dying for her to see me; see the potential in me. Been dying inside...

I've waited for so long. Along the way I met other women who have made their mark on my heart, other women who I've grown to have feelings for. Friendships were made but feelings always seem to develop & get way too deep. Either they fall for me or I begin to need them & want them, using the bonds we build & my fire magick in order to astral travel to them so we can make love. I know it's like I was cheating on my intended, but I'm a man with needs as well, & let's face it, she has someone to share her bed with at the end of each day. Not me.😔

Recently, I did something drastic: I cut my 30 inches of hair off, all bcuz of something someone told me. That's just me...I take things extremely personal. Now, I feel as if I should do something else, do something that's very hard for me, but I have to do it.

I need to be alone. I need to really look into myself. I need healing in every way. I just feel so lost & quite frankly I'm done with being a boy toy. What kind of idiot buys an engagement ring for a married woman? That's me...I'm the idiot.

Right now, I feel as if me being alone will be better for the women I can't seem to release from my heart. They can go on continuing being happily married. They can have all of the hot vacation trysts. They can have their babies in peace. They can move on with their lives for the best, without me in it.

That way, everybody can heal.