Random

I just want to write.

Not about anything in particular, but just because.

I've been thinking about my mother alot. Not my Mother Dear, but my birth mother. I dream of her. We're always in the forest near a campfire. I see her caravan clear as day. My mother, Veritad, was a lovely hard woman from what I see in my dreams. I was so young when she died. I couldn't remember much about her until I recently visited her grave. Then it all started to come to me. I'm seeing her now more than ever.

I feel my mother is trying to reach me. I think she is trying to tell me something or teach me something vital. I feel she is upset with me, how I turned out to be. I never knew her; but I know her. I came from this woman's womb. I inherited her magick. I fed off of her as a fetus and now as a man I feel connected to her still. It all came back.

Veritad wasn't able to be my mother that long. She died when I was two, but after going thru Hell I was blessed with another mother years later. The infamous Mother Dear. The woman who taught me the real. The woman who saved my life. Seemed like my journey was meant to bring me to her, a magickally inclined person, having lost my own gypsy mother and her magick.

I would never talk about my mother too much bcuz I didn't know much. But I've reread the documents I received in Athens many times over, even tried to summon any past residues from her energy. With both her and my Mother Dear gone, I have no maternal elder to learn from. I've turned to a different type of shadow work, trying to go deeper within. I sometimes do not like what I find but all is necessary.

Carnival Season. Getting steady gigs have been good lately. I still play with the zydeco band but I also gig out wherever I'm needed, be it zydeco, blues, whatever. So long as they got my check I'm there.

I'm trying to cut down on certain vices of mine but I will admit I still dip in the cocaine cookie jar just not as much. I've been too busy to fuck with it that much but u will always find me on my weed. That is a must. Y'all know how much of a shmuck I am. I'm like a fucking sponge, absorbing it all in. I go to such places sometimes even I think I am going crazy. I'm seriously thinking about going sit down somewhere in a rehab or something but I'm afraid they'll never let me out. I have a plethora of knowledge & skills but they will lock my ass up and throw away the key if I have to talk. What happens to my son then? Naw, fuck that. I need to overcome these demons who like to prey on the psyche. He is my savior. Daenarick shall be whom I have to strive for. I must be right for him, and for me.

As u can see, I have my moments of fear...panic...anxiety. I also have my moments of dominance. I've been feeling very dominant lately. I travel astrally more and more. I am wearing myself down. My son and I try to workout every day in order to keep my physical body strong enough, but every time I work a spell or astral travel I get drained.

I try to keep busy after my son's classes are over. I work every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I'm trying to find something else to do during the week bcuz me having idle time will only lead to me sleeping with someone with the level of lust I be running on.

I think it's time for me to close. I've rambled on enough😂 Be blessed.